NO, I WON’T TAKE BACK MY STATEMENT ON SUSAN KIM!!!

Quite a few readers have, predictably, been pressing me to retract what I wrote about Susan Kim at Monday’s rally, going as far as presuming to exercise some prerogative in this matter. I decline to do so, and I don’t care if your feelings are hurt as a result.

But before I elaborate on that, allow me to talk a bit about myself, why I’m so furious nowadays, and how it’s relevant to the relationship between us. Because once again self-respect compels me to wash my dirty linen in public.

No seriously. You see me all over the place and you thank me for all the advocacy I do for the sake of others, both publicly and behind the scenes, at my own expense and sometimes at significant exposure to myself. You’re very welcome.

But what do you know about me? what I want? what I need? I bet the question never came to mind. People just presume I’m so selfless that I exist to meet others’ expectations, my own be damned. The only people who ever wonder why I have so much free time to advocate for others in the first place are hostiles presuming I’m some PWD suckup living like a welfare queen.

Well, I wish. I actually live in a closet in a supportive housing complex, scraping by on welfare at that, after spending several years homeless and left rotting in the pipeline. My medical condition is such that my every day is an unspeakable Hell, and at this rate I’m very unlikely to live to the age of retirement. Nevertheless I push myself beyond my limits to advocate for people who usually don’t fare nearly as bad as I do, even though nobody ever advocates for me in a meaningful capacity.

As for Disability Assistance, I’m actually going through my second attempt at getting on it, and the process is about as invasive as a colonoscopy. Doctors are most condescending with the disabled and those having lived experience of homelessness, and the Cool-Aid doctor I had to deal with was the worst. She dismissed from the onset all the medical evidence in my file after barely a glance, and decided I had half a dozen psychiatric disorders like autism and social anxiety; we ended up settling for an unspecified personality disorder because she finds it peculiar a patient would inquire about what ends up in their application or know how to file a legal complaint.

If you’ve never had a taste of society’s medicine then you have no idea how infantilising dealing with advocates can be. They all think they know so much better than you what it is that you need because they’ve read about it in a textbook or they witness it all day. The above anecdote illustrates a wide pattern of them presuming their clients are screwups to be protected from themselves with offensive labels. It should then come as no wonder that I became an advocate myself: I had to advocate for myself against these smartasses, and learn how to navigate the system on my own starting rock bottom.

That’s basically why my relationship with “fellow” advocates is often so rocky, and why I’m earning a reputation as someone who’s difficult to work with. In another recent episode, I slammed the door on a team’s fingers while working on a major initiative I am not yet ready to write about. I had for a while to put up with a community advocate who resented me for ever bringing my own ideas for discussion, even those in alignment with what that same advocate proposed or did, and it degenerated into vitriol and threats. This person you know as an esteemed community member is a very different person from the person I know.

I get that kind of prejudice a lot, especially since my craniofacial malformations make me look like a “fucking retard”. I’ve come to realise over the years people don’t disagree with my opinions, they disagree with me. I’ve proven it one day as a teenager when my dad came home for dinner and, as usual, responded to the very first thing I said by claiming every word that comes out of my mouth is stupid—even though I’d purposefully repeated something my mom said instead. He got away with it too easy; if I’d been Mom I would have had him sleep on the couch for a week. It should come as no wonder then that I developed a habit of biting the hand that feeds me all the way to the elbow, and that I show scarce gratitude to people in general.

As I’ve been saying a lot lately, I AM NOT INTO ACTIVISM TO MAKE FRIENDS. I have my own convictions and my own goals. I started this publication because I wanted to speak with my own voice. I wanted a space where I wouldn’t be continually censored by people who take me for granted and resent me for ever being assertive. And if you disagree with me (not my opinions, mind you, but me), I don’t care. I call it self-respect.

So let’s get to how the above relates to what I wrote about Susan Kim and refuse to take down, your feelings be damned.

Just so we’re clear about this, I totally disagree with your appraisal of her. Quite a few among you hold her in such high regard that you even presume to shelter her from her own decisions, which as I expressed above is infantilising. She’s a grownup who chose to speak at a public event, attended by the mainstream media, before hundreds of people. She spoke three metres in front of me recording her speech, knowing full well who I am and what I do as a hobby. Trust me, she has my email address, yet she didn’t reach out to me requesting what some of you presume to demand and resent me for not doing. This is an insult, both to her and to me.

Besides, allow me to point out a glaring contradiction here. The same event was meant to organise bird-dogging politicians into publicly voicing their support for Palestine. And yet none of you seems to call upon Susan Kim to do the same. You go as far as treating her as a fellow activist even though she’s actually a politician, going as far as retaliating against someone who reports statements you’re demanding every other politician to scream on the roofs.

Don’t fall for the facade of a politician. If truly she were our ally, she would use her position to fight alongside us in the court of public opinion, and if you truly were her ally you would be expecting her to do just that instead of crying about a change.org petition while claiming to advocate for kids reduced to throwing rocks at tanks in Palestine.

Besides, once again the person I know is very different from the one that exists solely as a figment of your imagination. I know a lot about her that I’m not yet ready to write about, pertaining to the forced displacement of unhoused residents right here in this city. Although if you examined her voting record and statements at council meetings as I do, your opinion of her might already drop somewhat. It means little to me that she condemns forced relocation abroad if she enables it mere blocks from City Hall.

You know what it is that I want? I want to bring this fight to the City of Victoria. So far activists in town have gone against just about every institution under the sun except our own city council; even a motion by Councillor Marg Gardiner titled “City of Victoria response to on-going antisemitic actions” on June 3, that reeks of anti-Palestinian racism and censorship, and which Susan Kim ended up voting for after barely watering it down, only earned it a couple timid protests at City Hall.

I want the City of Victoria to take a firm stance against Israel’s atrocities, not merely release a perfunctory statement. I want it to commit to divestment from the Zionist regime, and to bring the issue to the Union of BC Municipalities (UBCM). I want Susan Kim to spearhead that fight in earnest instead of playing to the crowd, and if she won’t do it then she can go fuck herself because she’s no darling of mine to begin with.

I certainly hope this settles why I’m being occasionally unpleasant. As I wrote, I didn’t become an activist to make friends, but to get things done, after realising over the years the reason I never did was that I’m way too nice for my own good. And if that means butting heads with “fellow” activists presuming to bridle me, so be it.